Love, or the story of how I feel when my ex just broke up with the guy she left me for

Egads.. I actually don’t know what to write here..

I have terribly mixed feelings about this ex of mine, let’s call her Tigress. I mean, parts of me still love her, but then again, she did dump me for a guy that she met on a trip to sunny Spain…

I’ll take you back a few steps. I’m starting high school, 16 and unkissed. And there she is, in my class, a cute girl. Within half a year we were together. She was my first real kiss, my first real girlfriend, and my first sex (and a good one at that, it’s not coincidential that I’m calling her the Tigress).

So we are together, basically always, as we’re in the same class. Of course, ups and downs, as with everyone, but she is still my girlfriend. And not just my girlfriend, she is a good friend as well. And, as a bonus, a lot of other guys like her, which is a confidence booster for me. We get along great, most of the time, and develop lots of intern humour and signs and things that only means something to us. I loved her. I fucking loved her. Fuck.

She had a small thing where she sort of fell in love with another guy, and vice versa, but I accepted that along the way. Of course I was angry, but I couldn’t take it out on her. As long as I knew she loved me as well. Loved. She is always a bit flirty, which is somewhat why other guys tend to like her a lot. I don’t think she always gets the signals she sends out to other guys..

Then to the trip. As a spring break trip for the last autumn of high school, a lot of youngsters take off to places like Spain to drink and party. I like partying, but I’m not much for trips that are all about getting as drunk as possible, so I took the Russia trip instead, whereas I could get somewhat drunk and still have cultural experiences.

And Russia was good. Very good.

So when we all come back, suddenly Tigress is a bit held back. She doesn’t respond to my touches the same way as she used to. She is less loving, sort of. And eventually she says that she met this other guy, an Englishman, in Spain. And eventually it all goes to hell. She says that she didn’t “do” anything with him then though, and I believe her. She has no reason to lie. I hope.

To everyone else I say that it was a mutual breakup, since she was going to study in England (see the pattern? Okay, so she was planning on doing that before she met the guy), and we “didn’t want a distance relationship”. LOL, as in not LOL that is. I was actually being nice to her, she didn’t want people to know that she sort of “betrayed” me. Love. Loved. She ripped my fucking heart out, and I scratched her back.. I guess the name Tigress fits in more than one way..

So, my head sort of shrinks into a small ball. Outwards, I’m somewhat the same person, but personally I’m one fucked up being. This, as well as some other problems with other people breaking my trust in them (I shan’t go in deeper detail, ever) has made me not trust “people” as in general. Which again goes against my political ideas where trust in the general good and collective effort of people is somewhat important. So, now I’m basically some sort of an anarchist.

So, fast forward to today, skipping a short relationship (where my girlfriend, high on E, sent another guy messages saying that she was falling for him, so I broke up. Yes, I read her text messages, and I’m somewhat ashamed for it), I see that Tigress’ relationship status has changed. Yes, it has fucking changed. She’s now single.

And I don’t know how to feel about that. I mean, she’s going to stay in England attending college until she’s done anyway, so there’s not a slim chance as of getting back together with her.. A thought that I’ve basically thrown away, anyway. Two times was sort of enough, you know?

I’m happy in two ways, and sad in two ways. Happy that the cunts relationship with the girl-stealing guy is over, and happy that she’s now single and free on the market. Sad that she’s lost a boyfriend and might want someone to talk to (I know how that feels, you know..), and sad because she’s far away.

I can’t make my fucking mind up. I sort of still love her, but in a very twisted way. I want her to feel the way I felt, at the same time as I want to feel her again..

Besides from a couple of times in the last relationship, I’ve basically been living in celibacy since she left. The Tigress ripped my heart out and left me an emotional cripple. I can’t be emo, I haven’t got real feelings. Just apathy and mistrust.

So today I went for a walk. A late walk. A long walk. I walked all across the city, to a silent park on the shore, where I meditated, and thought of her. This is really sick, but I felt like I tried to get inside her head, reminding her of good times with me. Don’t know what happened, but I felt gone for a second, sitting in a hand-drawn circle, on the ground, in the dark (I never was much of a deity man, but there is something very “Earthly” there, I will be going back to that place..). Then I rose up, yelled loudly into the night, and walked home. It felt good, actually. Relieving.

Oh, and in todays bad news (har har), these incidents has made me start smoking again. I should wash my clothes thoroughly before returning home for Easter.

God, I am sad, aren’t I?