Guess what! Since last time, I’ve gotten myself a girlfriend!

Now this is the story all about how
my life got flipped, turned upside down.
And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became the prince of fucking despair.

Last weekend I took a trip to Oslo, the capitol of Norway, to visit people, to check out shops I don’t usually see, and just to get away from Bergen for a while. A nice time. I like that.

One of the many people I met were Kitten – And yes, she’s small, cuddly and fucking cute. She’s one of the people I met when I was into school politics, and truly one of the most beautiful people I know of, and I haven’t even started to talk about her outside, which is also very nice. I like her, and I’ve tried to stay in touch.

Me and her actually became quite good friend over the take of a weekend, with seminars and stuff. Later we’ve just been talking over the Internet and met up a couple of times. But we’ve never done anything remotely more sexual than a hug. And except for saying that we should hang out if I ever go to Oslo and vice versa, there hasn’t been much more than that.

I went out with her, and some friends of hers, to have some beers. And she likes me as well. I mean, what can I say. She likes me as well.

I was getting semi-drunk off of my beer, and we were sort of cuddling. As I was stroking her lower back and she having her hand on my inner thigh, I was happy.

And now, for the part where I tell about my girlfriend. Oh, you didn’t get that? No, Kitten is not my girlfriend. And this is why I’m actually the worst one. You probably remember Tigress, right? And I might, or might not, have mentioned that my last relationship took a halt when my girlfriend, high on Extacy, sent an SMS to someone she was falling for (not me). So, I’m not keen on the whole “cheating on”-process. And I still cheated on my girlfriend. I hate it when I fuck things up for myself.

Well, yes, now for the part where I tell about my girlfriend. Panther. She’s wonderful. Her head is filled with amazing thoughts, she’s clever in the artsy way, she is darkly funny, and she is mentally unstable. At times, very unstable. I seem to pick them out just great, huh?

So, the deal is, I sort of want to end the relationship with Panther, but I’m afraid that she’ll be tipped aside by me dumping her, and that she’ll frenzy. And a frenzying Panther is not good.

How could I do this? I know the feeling of being cheated, and how hard that is. And I still did it. I’m not seeing this as a good start to a relationship.. We’ll see how long this one lasts..

Bottomline: I idiot am.

I have terribly mixed feelings about this ex of mine, let’s call her Tigress. I mean, parts of me still love her, but then again, she did dump me for a guy that she met on a trip to sunny Spain…

I’ll take you back a few steps. I’m starting high school, 16 and unkissed. And there she is, in my class, a cute girl. Within half a year we were together. She was my first real kiss, my first real girlfriend, and my first sex (and a good one at that, it’s not coincidential that I’m calling her the Tigress).

So we are together, basically always, as we’re in the same class. Of course, ups and downs, as with everyone, but she is still my girlfriend. And not just my girlfriend, she is a good friend as well. And, as a bonus, a lot of other guys like her, which is a confidence booster for me. We get along great, most of the time, and develop lots of intern humour and signs and things that only means something to us. I loved her. I fucking loved her. Fuck.

She had a small thing where she sort of fell in love with another guy, and vice versa, but I accepted that along the way. Of course I was angry, but I couldn’t take it out on her. As long as I knew she loved me as well. Loved. She is always a bit flirty, which is somewhat why other guys tend to like her a lot. I don’t think she always gets the signals she sends out to other guys..

Then to the trip. As a spring break trip for the last autumn of high school, a lot of youngsters take off to places like Spain to drink and party. I like partying, but I’m not much for trips that are all about getting as drunk as possible, so I took the Russia trip instead, whereas I could get somewhat drunk and still have cultural experiences.

And Russia was good. Very good.

So when we all come back, suddenly Tigress is a bit held back. She doesn’t respond to my touches the same way as she used to. She is less loving, sort of. And eventually she says that she met this other guy, an Englishman, in Spain. And eventually it all goes to hell. She says that she didn’t “do” anything with him then though, and I believe her. She has no reason to lie. I hope.

To everyone else I say that it was a mutual breakup, since she was going to study in England (see the pattern? Okay, so she was planning on doing that before she met the guy), and we “didn’t want a distance relationship”. LOL, as in not LOL that is. I was actually being nice to her, she didn’t want people to know that she sort of “betrayed” me. Love. Loved. She ripped my fucking heart out, and I scratched her back.. I guess the name Tigress fits in more than one way..

So, my head sort of shrinks into a small ball. Outwards, I’m somewhat the same person, but personally I’m one fucked up being. This, as well as some other problems with other people breaking my trust in them (I shan’t go in deeper detail, ever) has made me not trust “people” as in general. Which again goes against my political ideas where trust in the general good and collective effort of people is somewhat important. So, now I’m basically some sort of an anarchist.

So, fast forward to today, skipping a short relationship (where my girlfriend, high on E, sent another guy messages saying that she was falling for him, so I broke up. Yes, I read her text messages, and I’m somewhat ashamed for it), I see that Tigress’ relationship status has changed. Yes, it has fucking changed. She’s now single.

And I don’t know how to feel about that. I mean, she’s going to stay in England attending college until she’s done anyway, so there’s not a slim chance as of getting back together with her.. A thought that I’ve basically thrown away, anyway. Two times was sort of enough, you know?

I’m happy in two ways, and sad in two ways. Happy that the cunts relationship with the girl-stealing guy is over, and happy that she’s now single and free on the market. Sad that she’s lost a boyfriend and might want someone to talk to (I know how that feels, you know..), and sad because she’s far away.

I can’t make my fucking mind up. I sort of still love her, but in a very twisted way. I want her to feel the way I felt, at the same time as I want to feel her again..

Besides from a couple of times in the last relationship, I’ve basically been living in celibacy since she left. The Tigress ripped my heart out and left me an emotional cripple. I can’t be emo, I haven’t got real feelings. Just apathy and mistrust.

So today I went for a walk. A late walk. A long walk. I walked all across the city, to a silent park on the shore, where I meditated, and thought of her. This is really sick, but I felt like I tried to get inside her head, reminding her of good times with me. Don’t know what happened, but I felt gone for a second, sitting in a hand-drawn circle, on the ground, in the dark (I never was much of a deity man, but there is something very “Earthly” there, I will be going back to that place..). Then I rose up, yelled loudly into the night, and walked home. It felt good, actually. Relieving.

Oh, and in todays bad news (har har), these incidents has made me start smoking again. I should wash my clothes thoroughly before returning home for Easter.

God, I am sad, aren’t I?

It’s big, it’s red, and it hurts. And yes, I am talking about the zit. The paper on politics, I’ll probably manage. Though it’ll destroy my clean sheet when it comes to getting to bed and waking up at sensible times. I mean, I awoke at half past seven this morning.. without an alarm clock.. How sick is that!? This can’t be healthy.

For the time being, I’m back at my mothers house. It’s quite nice to be able to eat and drink whatever I can find, without having to think about it being someone elses, or thinking about the price and how much I’ve got left of it. And it doesn’t help being able to go in and out of my house without resorting to ringing the doorbell, or going in the window. This due to the fact that I have no key to my apartment.

Yes, you read it perfectly clear. There is no key. No key at all. I broke it. Not on purpose of course, but it’s rendered unusable because of this. Luckily, I live in a collective (yeeez.. frightening soviet word, izn’t it?), but I fear that some of them are a bit annoyed with me ringing the doorbell to get let in. As a result of this, I try to not go out of the house, as much as I can. This has been a bit hard, because of the frequent visits over the past week(s), but it works.

And why haven’t I gotten a new key, I hear you ponder? Because of the stupid witch that’s supposed to be my “contact person” for the apartment! Since it’s a company that owns the building I rent in, and the company owns several buildings, each building has a contact person. And mine has the “contact person” job, besides her own job..

I’ve tried to reach her for nearly two weeks! Of course, I could’ve called her every day, and sent her, like, a hundred texts, but should I have to do that? I started with sending her two texts in a period of three days, no answer. Then tried to call her, and the first time I reached through (she keeps the phone off at “working parts” of the day, apparantly), I left her a message, no answer still. I try to call more times, both in working parts of the day, and freetime parts, no answer. Still, I annoy my flat mates.

Two days ago, I got the house owners (master chief of company) number, and I called him today. No answer, left a slightly passive-aggressive message telling him I have a broken key, and a hope that someone, him or the contact witch, could call me back. She called me back within two hours. Seriously, should I resort to calling the owner every time? And by the way, I enjoyed letting the phone ring out, not answering it. She’s the type to get a bit upset from getting a call from the owner, so I hope she was a bit worried..

Stupid hag..

Well, I rang her up an hour later, told my case, told her I’ve been trying to reach her for two weeks (she was surprised! Gorramit, there’s two texts on your cell, and I’ve been communicating with you on texts before! I know you can/could read them!), and that I’ll be needing a key soonly. Hopefully, I’ll be getting next week some time. Thank you, hag!

Now, I have to go sort my big, red, hurtful problem out. At least somewhere, a key is being made in my honor.

Hags, I hate you.

At least it was working. It’s now 03:58 in the “morning” and I just had a coffee. Yes, a coffee. And it wasn’t even on purpose. It said chocolate on it.. Stupid Nescafé..

I’ll just watch this episode, and then I’ll try to sleep. Try.

Hey, no verbal bile this time. You’re lucky. Maybe this sleeping thing is good for me..

Nah..

Bah! Fuck.

Stupid wind. Why do we eve have low climate pressures? They only fuck things up. We should make laws against them, just forbid them. Make it illegal for a country to let a low climate pressure go over them. That would make countries have to do something about them to stop from getting poor, which in turn would make the world a low pressure climate free place. Except for over the seas, of course. And poor countries who can’t afford the technology. Wait, this might not be such a good idea after all..

My new number one cause: Ban Climate. I could probably hand that one over to Ron Paul or something.

Oh, and again: I am Jacks slightly annoyed pituitary gland. I have nothing to declare. This is yet another “go on green” post. Just so you know. No pretentious, far-fetched subtile meanings, just a ramble. Pramis. Pramis bigtyme.

Words are in themselves
A metaphore, nothing
but lifeless shapes in certain formations
Plays Catch
With your mind

Fuck. Christmas. Again.

What’s up with these things anyway? Again, I’m pissed off at my heads “need” for a commercial Christmas. One side of my head (the left one, of course) says: “BAH! Using money on people I love, just to ‘prove’ I love them, why can’t we all come together and just have fun instead!”. The other side (why of course, it must be the right one!) sees presents and other stuff, like Disney Christmas movies, clementines, red Christmas soda (that comes to the shops in SEPTEMBER) as precautions for a good Christmas. All things that needs to be bought and be paid for. And then I’m not even going to start writing about the bad conscience one gets from buying a present for someone, just because you know they’ll buy you one! BAH! Fuck!

Ah, this is pointless. There is no point to this post! I have nothing to fucking declare!. I am Jacks enraged gall bladder, and I’ll fucking walk on green to see what happens. It’s not like anyone is reading this shit, anyway.

I’m having a growing longing for money. Is this good? I’m not currently living on my own (nope, no girfriend, just staying at my fathers for the holidays), so my day/night rhytm is somewhat more mainstream again, though I tend to stay up a bit late (as always). The part about my father also makes for more eating, which is good.

Bah! Fuck!

Now, sleep. At least soon. I’ll be up in about eight hours, going to my grandparents to fire up rockets, celebrating a fictional turn of the year. Have you actually thought about that? It’s completely random. Why do we turn the year now? Since we have a twelve-month cycle, why not have the “new year” in the summer, that’s when everything else turns. That’s when the whole world has a cycle change. Like the schools change to a new class, most jobs end, most people change their place of residence and so on. Stupid Gregorian calendar.

Bah! Fuck! Merde! Pardon my French..

I’ve been sick the last week. Sick as in coughing my lungs to a knot. Knot. Not pleasant. This has made me stay away from school. Can I call it a school? It’s a University. Quite a big one as well, I might add. With a lot of pretentious people, trying to be smarter than they are, and a lot of people being smarter than they seem. For me? Well, I guess I’m somewhere in the middle. As I normally am. A random anywhos kid that won’t turn any heads for years to come. I’ve always somewhat seen up to the non-conformists, the ones that dress differently to show that they’re not like any one else. They dare to be different. But then again, they are like anyone else. Different like anyone else. There’s this hate-on-an-emo-song, “I’m such an emo” (Youtube it, I can’t be bothered), which has this line:

“You’d be non-conforming too, if you looked just like me”

That’s quite true. Almost all of these little emo brats wear the same kind of clothes, from most the same stores. I can’t understand how their own lack of ironic distance to themselves don’t smack them in their narcisistic little heads, and make them implode on the spot. It’s a bit like the story of the big-mouthed frog that is wagered into trying to eat himself, and manages, making himself disappear. And the world is ok with that, because the big-mouthed frog was, well, yeah, big-mouthed. Not to mention small-brained.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s apathy. And if there’s one thing I hate more, it’s apathy made to look like an ideology. Organized apathy, oh God, why?! This is sort of how I think of these emo-clad, narcissistic little sons (and daughters) of bitches. Just too bad that they’re so cute (mostly their daugthers, but I’m not ruling out the sons either). I mean, I could take any of these 15 to 20-year old blackly dressed females home anyday. Or night.

But back to the point. If there is one. A point that is. I’m awake. And it’s late. Well, technically speaking, it’s early, as it’s half past seven in the morning. Crap, the backside of staying up all night, until morning just happened. People are starting to log on to their computers again. MSN is not good for you, *invisible*. People are waking up to yet another day of the exact same thing as they did yesterday. Groundhogs, anyone?

Hum? Oh yeah! The point? I’m up “early”. And for what reason? Well, does it have to be a reason? Time is an illusion, lunch time doubly so. They say we are free. Well, my head tells me that I shouldn’t stay up at these hours, but why not? This is not me thinking, this is an unwritten law, so to speak. Why can’t people sleep in the daytime, and be awake at night? Well, they couldn’t buy things at the supermarket, for instance! Well, that’s my point, isn’t it? Most shops aren’t open at night, because no people are up at those hours. We live in a free land, where you can’t do anything at night because nothing is allowed to be awake. It’s “natural” to sleep at night, so everyone sleeps. Well, fuck “natural”, nothing is “natural” anymore. Even I’m not natural. Fuck, a socialist being like myself is angry because a need, planted in him by commercialism, is not possible during the night. Free land, fuck my babies.. Nothing is free. If we are so free, then why am I broke? Not even women are free, they’re just cheap. Fuck women. Yeah, you heard me. Fuck women! I wish.. I should be gay, but then again, men are probably worse. Simpler, but worse.

Crap, I’m hungry. I need some breakfast. It’s a quarter to.. wait, breakfast? There it is again! My head presuming that early in the morning, you eat breakfast. This isn’t breakfast. I’ve been awake since seven in the afternoon, and I haven’t eaten anything. I haven’t had the yesterdays breakfast and I haven’t had yesterdays dinner. I need a meal. And this is natural. Meals help you survive. I suspect this will not be a happy meal.. since the shop is now open and I don’t need to attend a McDonalds. Haha, a joke. Mhh, hungry now.

To be continued..